It's plad.
Team (Teiam) needs it more.
xoxo
Vail
I, I, I!
It's plad.
Team (Teiam) needs it more.
xoxo
Vail
What I Wore on 12/21/11
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| (Vacation Outfit!) |
Today is Max's birthday, so we are going to have a fun-filled GeekTime. First on our list is walking Lucy. Then, we'll take a walk just us humans to Game Dude. We're checking out DS games and 3DS games for my new 3DS!
After that, we'll continue on to K-Mart to pick up a 2Gb Micro SD card.
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| (Shoes and Luucee) |
EL POLLO LOCO! I like that place despite being vegetarian, so those caps are only slightly sarcastic....
For a day this geeky and fun, I figured I had to dress like a gamer girl meets Pippy Longstocking.
Gamer girls like glitter makeup and cleavage. Check and check.
Pippy Longstocking like braids and dressing like an orphan/pirate/crouton. Check and check.
(Next fun thing we're doing? Mission Impossible in IMAX!)
So about how I announced my age over a mic to an entire bar last night...
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| (Eye-Witness Photo. Yes, that's the actual mic in question.) |
Example:
I went out to celebrate my birthday with my girlfriends last night. We were at Blue Nile watching The Soul Rebels perform when the band called up all of the birthday people on to the stage. Six Sagittariuses, including me, hop on stage. How awesome is that?!?! (PS, there are a lot of December babies... or liars...)
After they sing/trumpet the first verse of Happy Birthday, they start singing new lyrics I've never heard: "How old are you now, how old are you now?" At this point, the band member next to me leans over and asks me "So how old are you today?"
"Twenty-seven. Shhhh!" I replied.... in to an OPEN MIC.
Keep reading to see VIDEO of the event....
Nintendo 3DS - I need you because I need 3D Tetris
My dreams just came true: Tetris Axis.
(fap.)
Yesh, bitches, life now contains muthafleecing 3D Tetris!
I only see as far as I do for I stand on the shoulders of giant nerds!
Quick point of reference about me: I've only ever loved two video games in my life. I mean truly, obsessively compulsively LOVED. Those games: Tetris and Dr. Mario.
Yes there have been other games. Max and I own Nintendo DS systems, and we would totally play some awesome minigames, and of course as an Xbox-er I own the super calming Tetris Splash. Portal2 was awesome, too. (I'm not counting iPhone games in this, of course.)
But Dr. Mario was never as popular as Tetris, and it kind of fizzled out. Too bad, because you know I was dropping HELLA viruses. I was amazeballs at it. I was even harder to beat than I was in Tetris.
And you know I'm the Tetris QUEEN. In my heyday (when I would have Tetris dreams every night and play Tetris on the DS every day) I was undefeated. Only the crazy 12 year olds in online multiplayer mode could touch me... sometimes.
So yes, I said goodbye to Dr. Mario but I still had a lover and a friend in Tetris. Ew...
Cut to: My 27th birthday. I am skyping w/ Max and he casually mentions that Tetris 3D is a thing.
EXSQUEEZE ME?!?!?! IS GOD REAL? I NEED THAT NOW!!!!
You can imagine I was pretty excited. The only roadblock now is the $170 price tag on the Nintendo 3DS... but give me a few months and it will be mine. Oh yes. It will be mine.
And then I will never sleep again. All there will be will be Tetris.
(fap.)
Yesh, bitches, life now contains muthafleecing 3D Tetris!
I only see as far as I do for I stand on the shoulders of giant nerds!
Quick point of reference about me: I've only ever loved two video games in my life. I mean truly, obsessively compulsively LOVED. Those games: Tetris and Dr. Mario.
Yes there have been other games. Max and I own Nintendo DS systems, and we would totally play some awesome minigames, and of course as an Xbox-er I own the super calming Tetris Splash. Portal2 was awesome, too. (I'm not counting iPhone games in this, of course.)
But Dr. Mario was never as popular as Tetris, and it kind of fizzled out. Too bad, because you know I was dropping HELLA viruses. I was amazeballs at it. I was even harder to beat than I was in Tetris.
And you know I'm the Tetris QUEEN. In my heyday (when I would have Tetris dreams every night and play Tetris on the DS every day) I was undefeated. Only the crazy 12 year olds in online multiplayer mode could touch me... sometimes.
So yes, I said goodbye to Dr. Mario but I still had a lover and a friend in Tetris. Ew...
Cut to: My 27th birthday. I am skyping w/ Max and he casually mentions that Tetris 3D is a thing.
EXSQUEEZE ME?!?!?! IS GOD REAL? I NEED THAT NOW!!!!
You can imagine I was pretty excited. The only roadblock now is the $170 price tag on the Nintendo 3DS... but give me a few months and it will be mine. Oh yes. It will be mine.
And then I will never sleep again. All there will be will be Tetris.
Please Cynthia
Unless you're attempting some sort of pussy for doggie swap?
Best Part about New Orleans Birthdays...
Best Tradition Ever!!!
I you wear a safety pin on your birthday in NOLA, strangers and friends alike will pin money to you! So far, I've made $13 and I've only been out and about for 30 minutes!
Bye, bye, student loans!!!!
HOWARD STERN IS GONNA JUDGE ON AGT!!!!
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| (Image Credit: Stan Honda/Getty Images) |
I don't care about America's Got Talent, but I do want the stigma attached to Howard to wash away so I can stop explaining to people who've never listened to him that he's not a perv or anti-woman.
Howard is friends with the LGBT community, pro-choice, and Robin Quivers is a vegan. Yes, he talks about masturbating. So if you're from 1950, you'll probably be offended by his radio show.
Now, what he does/says on Sirus will not be what he does/says on AGT. I mean, do we remember The Osborne MTV show? Sharon Osbourne cursed to high heaven on that show and everyone is cool w/ her hosting AGT and The Talk- and yet some people believe Howard won't be able to control his cursing.
He doesn't have FUCKING tourette's. He's a grown up. You know how, as a grown up, sometimes we curse and sometimes we don't? It's fucking complicated, I know...
PS to people who say 'What does Howard know about talent?!', I have two points: What do Piers Morgan or Sharon O know about talent? (Howie Mandel is a comedian, so I'll assume we all agree he has more 'obvious' talent-judging abilities.) Second point: Half of The Howard Stern Show's cast of characters were just wacky people whom Howard plucked from obscurity because he could tell they were ENTERTAINING.
So in conclusion... yay, Howard!!! Can't wait for the secret to get out that you're not a double-douche bag.
Mazel Tov.
Yes, I broke out my Italian for you, Howard! ;-P
Happy Date I Was Born on to Me!
On this date in 1984, my mom was cut open by Dr. Fleiss (Heidi's dad) at Sedar Sinai Medical Center in Beverly Hills and I was removed from her womb.I was born at a discount because both of my parents worked at the Hospital, least anyone think I must have been rich 'cause I was born in the 90210.
I weighed 9 lb, 8 oz and I was 21" long.
Cut to 27 years later... I am now 48" taller and 48" wiser. Not sure what that means, but I said it and I'm the birfday grrl so I choose to throw out my metaphors fast and loose. Deal with it!
What I wore on 12/11/11
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| (Sitting on my mime chair, just chillin' like how I do...) |
Here's what I wore to ride:
Charged for Men, ready for anything!
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| (Photo sent to me by hippie, I claim no ownership of those American Spirits...) |
Well has Whole Foods got some snake oil for you!
But seriously, Whole
No, it wasn't. Of course it wasn't. Your CEO is kind of evil, isn't he? Something about health care? Yeah. How silly of me to attempt to have any respect for you, Whore Foods.
To be fair, while I don't buy into the whole organic thing, necessarily (everything I need to know about organic food I learned from an episode of Penn&Teller's Bullshit), at the very least, I couldn't fault you for selling food. People need food, and if they're willing to convince themselves that eating celery grown in cow shit is better than eating celery grown in man-made fertilizers then FINE. Be like that.
But when you start selling croutonic shit like Charged for Men under your own name? And on top of that, specifically label it Vegetarian because your shoppers lean that way? Holy shipwreck that is fucked up. Look, let me spell it out for you: Hippies love DREAMING.
Examples of hippy thoughts: Wouldn't it be great if... love were free, we could hitch hike to Maine this summer, this pill gave me the ability to pop one in my shorts again.
Hole Foods, you've taken advantage of the hippies's's's ability to dream. How dare you. That's all they have (besides a trust fund, most likely)!
Wouldn't it be great if there were an over the counter pill available at my local health store that boosted my sex drive, supported healthy sexual functions (AKA boners), and revitalized my performance?
YES it would be great. But in what reality would RX giants like Pfizer let Whole Poots scoop them on a sex pill? If this pill really did anything, a pharmaceutical company would already have lobbied a congress(wo)man to make it available by prescription only. That's what makes America so great.
AND THAT'S why this really boils my blood, Whole Foots. Because on top of selling fake-ass health food for too much money, you're now also selling fake medication.
Oh, what's that? There's homeopathic evidence to the contrary? It does work?! You all have boners right now?! Well holy shit, Whole Phoods... just don't tell anyone okay? Confirm again for me that you sell an over the counter dick pill that actually leaves men CHARGED, and then reconfirm that you're selling it in a supermarket. Yeah? Yeah? Go on...
I'm just saying: If I found a way to actually improve a man's performance in bed I wouldn't just quietly sell it in the market between the daily vitamins and baby aspirin. Just saying.
Come again? Muscle what now? Workout huh?
I am writing you today about one of your many products. Specifically, I would like to discuss Workout, The Muscle Cleaner...
First question: What the fuck is it?
Based off the name of the product I would guess that I am supposed to wipe down my rock-hard abs with this product after a muscle-ripping crunch session. If this bottle were sitting next to the hairspray and aerosol deodorant in the ladies locker room, I would think, "huh, I had no idea my muscles needed any further cleaning besides my Oil of Olay bodywash with Jojoba extract and chia seeds for exfoliation. I wonder if this cleaner aids in muscle repair? What is the protein content?"
At this point, I would likely start to spray down my abs (rock hard, remember), my quads and gluts, and the rest of my rippling, strong, totally in existence muscles. But as I start to spray my arms and shoulders with Workout, I get a whiff of something strange- smells like cleaning products... what's in this anyway? Where are the ingredients- HOLY SHIT THIS IS BATHROOM CLEANER!
Which brings me to my next question, Buckeye: Why the fuck did you name a bathroom cleaner Workout, The Muscle Cleaner? Was Mouthwash, The Tooth Cleaner taken?
I suppose I understand what you were attempting to do here. You were trying to say that this cleaner HAS muscle. Like, it's fucking strong as shit and will make mildew its prison yard bitch.
I am not sure if you're aware of this, but brains and brawn don't always go hand-in-muscular-hand. Many muscle heads walk this Earth with only one thought in their skulls: What can I do to make my muscles more muscle-y? For those individuals, your product is going to be very confusing. In fact, speaking as someone with beauty, brains, and brawn, I can admit that even I was confused about what I was expected to do with this product. If it hadn't been discovered in the office bathroom instead of the locker room, I might have sprayed a little bit on my dirty muscles, hoping that your product would give my flesh that squeaky clean feeling I never knew I wanted.
Please take note of my complaint, Buckeye. In the future, please don't label your products as _____ cleaners unless they actually clean _____. Otherwise, it's ____ing confusing!!!
And if you feel like it, please send me some coupons for Workout: The Muscle Cleaner because obviously, it's the best.
Thank you for reading,
Val, Esq
Strawberry, Awake!!!
No it is not a man, nor dog, nor new color. It is STRAWBERRY AWAKE, the Great Value generic version of Special K with Red Berries.
Strawberry Awake! Strawberry... Awake???? So many different ways to say it, only one way to enjoy it: Tremendously!
Yes, I bought a box of Strawberry Awake based purely on the name, but it turned out to be a good investment because not only does this cereal have the best, happy-fun-time-sunshine name it also tastes better than Red Berries.
Now when I wake up, I say to myself "Strawberry, Awake!" and I am suddenly perky, awake, and
Macaroni is Dope
I think this usage of 'macaroni' should come back into vogue. First reason: Macaroni is actually dope. It'd be different if Yankee Doodle stuck a feather in his cap and called it canned black olives or something equally uncool.
Examples: Macaroni salad is controversial yet much-loved picnic food that is cheap and easy to make. Mac and cheese is hella bomb, obviously. Everyone loves that dish. Plus, I think it goes without saying that glue plus glitter plus macaroni plus paper plate equals the best rainy day arts and crafts project after God's Eyes. God's Eyes are macaroni, dude!
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to bake some macaroni into some brownies and spread the new/old phrase to the hippies next door. Hippies will go along whatever you tell them, as long as you contribute to their CSA. Fair trade. I learned that in college.
Soda Choke
Mmm, mmm I drank the hell out of that suicide. It tasted like the 90s! I always made suicides when I was a kid. Not mixing the sodas at the fountain was NOT an option.
Reminds me of that wise discovery my friend Summer made: if you mix the red Slurpy and the blue Slurpy at 7-11, you get grape flavor.
Me and You and My First Animation
I thought all of my animation had been lost in the great hard drive crash of '07, but HUZZZA! I found a miracle flash drive that contained my very first animation!
This was an assignment in my Video 134 class @ Hampshire. I had to recreate a scene from a movie of my choosing. I chose a scene from 'You and Me and Everyone We Know', because I was in my I Heart Miranda July phase...
Here is the original scene I based it on:
I may still be in that phase, PS....
Last Year's Mardi Gras - At last, some evidence it happened!
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| (Mardi Gras Art Mask) Keep reading to see all the parade pics you never asked to see!!! |
Big Stones
Sally Hansen Nail Stickers
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| (ManiCURE for the common polish!) |
I only recently discovered that show. Jean Smart is amazing, so is everyone else. Jennifer Esposito, who played Andrea, is the most lovable villan since Fred Mertz.
The clothes that all of the characters wear are amazing, but Andrea's manicure (lime with one orange nail) really caught my eye.
Thus, the manicure to the right was invented. The best part about the flower stickers is that when the tip starts chipping, you can't tell!
Vivian Vance roasts Lucille Ball - No one is killed
For all those who don't know (and especially for those who do): Viv and Lucille were great friends!
Oh, you fancy, uh?
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| (When I was in 7th grade, I too discovered the art of colored hot glue and flat marbles) |
I saw this bike parked off of Magazine Street. I want to have a bike decorating party... maybe a bike/cupcake decorating party for people who don't have bikes?
Actually, that sounds really fun! Wait... what is more fun? Decorating cupcakes and bikes or decorating bike-shaped cookies and bikes??? THEME ALERT!!!! (I am a weirdo.)
I actually had this idea that I'd like to get a fancy bike parade going. Besides the look of the bike above, there are lots of things one can do to fancy-up a bike. My #1 idea is wrapping my bike in Christmas lights. Can you imagine how beautiful it would be to see/be on a lit-up bicycle at night? And during CarniVAL season?! Fugetaboutit!!!!
The Pays that Phrase (Absurdist Spoonerism List of Made Up Colloquialisms)
I watched S1E2 of Kitchen Nightmares last night. In this episode the main thorn in Gordon Ramsey's side is a general manager named Martin. Martin and Gordon are both British, so SGR (Sexy Gordon Ramsey) took the opportunity to use some killer English phrases that he never gets to use on American restauranteurs.The
Here are some phrases I've made up that I'm hoping you will throw into your own speech:
Pizza! If you find yourself in really awkward situation, just yell pizza real loud and then walk out. Problem solved. You're welcome.
Croutons aka crouton, croutonic, crou-crou This is my PC term for
That's my snake and potatoes! My standard level of cuteness that I apply before going to work. My snake and potatoes include mascara, a skirt, a cardigan, my mirrored Guess watch, and flats. At least one of those items will be teal and/or animal print.
Any phrases you've made up? Any awesome sayings that Americans need to know about? Leave them in the comments!
Dear Diary, I am Hoff-Val
Look, the point is that I am Val-obsessed. I've coined phrases such as Val-matize, which literally means to woe friendship from a standoffish stranger using my 'personality', and The Val Vault, which is just my asshole way of saying I can keep a damn secret. I have also been known to come up behind my coworkers' chairs, shake them and yell "Val-Quake!". (It's funnier and less annoying than it sounds... I hope!)
Great minds...
something.... like.. uh.
Great minds think?
No, that's not it. Gimme a minute...
Hiking in Los Angeles
Dear Russia,
Hello from America! I have never been to Russia, but I have met people who have. You guys have a lot of vodka and snow, right? In America (lately) we have a lot of Mike's Hard Lemonade and floods. We used to have moonshine and dust storms.
Speaking of moonshine, congratulations on loosing the battle but winning the
Please note, Russian readers, that those italicized words are made up. But PLEASE feel free to use them. See, Americans are still contributing to global culture after all!
A Vegetarian in New Orleans on Thanksgiving: A meaty holiday in a fishy town versus a 'no, thanks' herbivore
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| (This bitch made me fat.) |
So how did I spend my Thanksgiving in the Big Easy?
Greetings from The Robot Space Dog From Space
The Compact Physician
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| (Physician, park thyself) |
The Compact Physician is probably a small woman with big ideas about beauty. I bet she goes by the name Rosemary Waters and owns a lifestyle consultation business on Melrose Avenue.
She likely wears high heels with platform soles and brags about being able to run in them. I bet she spritzes orange blossom perfume on her baby pink business cards and keeps a single fresh flower in the vase on her desk
I imagine she is a single woman who can fix everyone but herself. I'm picturing her at home alone at night, sitting on her antique hope chest drinking white wine out of a mug, running her fingertips over her cashmere blanket. She might even cry to herself at night, all alone and unhappy. Maybe she's writing a self help book called 'Physician, Heal Thyself' for the successful but single female doctor.
Working in the beauty business is hard when you don't feel pretty on the inside.
Smilodon, You're on Candid Fossil!
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| (Tar balls and a sack lunch, two bits!) |
La Brea means The Tar in spanish. I suppose the Department of Redundancy Department was responsable for naming the La Brea Tar Pits. Good enough for government work, I suppose. It was probably the same people who named The Los Angeles Angels, which literally means 'The The Angels Angels'. Can we please hand out English/Spanish dictionaries to all Los Angelinos, por favor please?
The Tar Pits were the original ancient fly paper. All the dinos and dire wolves and mammoths got stuck in the tar and died slowly and horribly over several days. Then, the oily content of the tar seeped in to their giant bones and acted as a preservative. Mmm, spread those preserves on toast and BOOM ice age toast. Yummy. Do it, kids.
One amazing monster that was preserved by the the tar tar was called Smilodon, or more awesomely, the saber-tooth cat. Yes, this bag of lion bones with 11 inch canine teeth looks like a dentist's nightmare, but the real nasty part is that unlike modern cats, this guy could open his jaw 120 degrees (a lion can only open 60 degrees).
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| (Before) |
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| (After) |
In layman's terms, that shit is gonn kill you. And not in a fun way. In a bleedy, bloody, punctured jugular way.
Why Writing Contests Suck My Soul
Oh well.
PS today someone told me "you always look nice," and I responded "I am nice!"...
The Freezer, Your Jeans, and My Pantyhose
For example, did you know that freezing and then slowly defrosting your pantyhose will make it less likely to run? You can also use your freezer to refresh and de-germ your jeans without having to get them wet. Here's how to do it:
Letter from Earth to the Student in the Sky
Dear Manny,
I hope you are enjoying your time in the clouds. I received your postcard, but I suppose the moisture in the air must have been quite heavy on the day you mailed it because all the ink ran together and I couldn't read a word you wrote!
Luckily, I saw that it was postmarked 'The Clouds' so I knew it had to be from you. I hope you were writing to tell me that going to Cloud College is everything you had hoped it would be. Too bad there's no wifi up there yet.
What are your dorms like? Are all of the structures made of clouds, or do they build houses on cloud foundations? Do you make a lot of 'silver lining' jokes up there? Can you see the Great Wall?
What do you eat on a cloud? I assume you don't EAT the clouds, but I also can't imagine it'd be very easy to grow crops or keep animals on a cloud. If I had to guess what you're eating, I'd have to say astronaut food. I know that in deep space, the human tastebud is dulled so they have to make space food extra flavorful- are your tastebuds dulled on the cloud? I hope so, only because it would suck if you had to eat NASA's strong cooking without the weakened tastebuds.
I have a lot of questions! Sorry if they're stupid but I've never lived anywhere but on the ground.
I'm enclosing a little envelope filled with dirt for you. You may recognize the type of envelope- it's the red and gold kind that we bought together in Chinatown. I hope you enjoy the dirt! It's from a potted plant I purchased at Ikea.
Write back soon! And make sure to laminate it!
-Val
I hope you are enjoying your time in the clouds. I received your postcard, but I suppose the moisture in the air must have been quite heavy on the day you mailed it because all the ink ran together and I couldn't read a word you wrote!Luckily, I saw that it was postmarked 'The Clouds' so I knew it had to be from you. I hope you were writing to tell me that going to Cloud College is everything you had hoped it would be. Too bad there's no wifi up there yet.
What are your dorms like? Are all of the structures made of clouds, or do they build houses on cloud foundations? Do you make a lot of 'silver lining' jokes up there? Can you see the Great Wall?
What do you eat on a cloud? I assume you don't EAT the clouds, but I also can't imagine it'd be very easy to grow crops or keep animals on a cloud. If I had to guess what you're eating, I'd have to say astronaut food. I know that in deep space, the human tastebud is dulled so they have to make space food extra flavorful- are your tastebuds dulled on the cloud? I hope so, only because it would suck if you had to eat NASA's strong cooking without the weakened tastebuds.
I have a lot of questions! Sorry if they're stupid but I've never lived anywhere but on the ground.
I'm enclosing a little envelope filled with dirt for you. You may recognize the type of envelope- it's the red and gold kind that we bought together in Chinatown. I hope you enjoy the dirt! It's from a potted plant I purchased at Ikea.
Write back soon! And make sure to laminate it!
-Val
St. Maximus - Finger Drummer
I remember being in Spanish class sophomore year in high school with Max (seven years before we started dating). He would always be drumming on his desk with his fingers. Not an annoying kind of tapping like Ricky Ricardo did in that one Hollywood episode of I Love Lucy where the Ricardos and the Mertzs (is that the plural of Mertz?) drive each other crazy with their bad habits. Max's finger drumming was like listening to a real drummer only much, much quieter. He was really good at it.
Of course, at the time (it was the year 2000) it didn't seem like a very useful skill. I had never heard of an electronic pad you could trigger with your finger to play drum beats, trigger samples, etc etc etc. Now, I understand that his awesome finger drumming skills are not only impressive, but useful. See the video above for an example of how Max might use his Nanokontrol2 in a live show or in the studio.
You know the best part about having a electronic musician for a boyfriend? He plugs his iPhone into the car stereo when we drive and he plays me a live set using magical musical apps. How many chicks can say their boyfriends give them a private concert whenever they're stuck in traffic?
570 Words on Soul/Body - FLASH FICTION
I am a spirit trapped in a body. I like to make the eyes look all around. I like to make the toes wiggle. The more I make them wiggle, the more I convince the body that it is getting harder to wiggle them. I like to make the hair grow. I like to make the nails grow. I like to make the words come out without considering what words and in what order. I don’t consider what foot to start with. Period.
This is all utter bullshit and if you’re pretending to enjoy this, you’re lying to yourself or to myself or to themselves. I have a great idea! Let’s all get in a car and drive to a dive where it’s too loud to talk and to smokey to breath. Let’s all get some drinks that are too expensive and then drink many of them and never really say anything that matters and then get back in the car and drive off a cliff.
What a great day! I woke up and discovered that the pile of fingernail clippings I left under my pillow has become self-aware. I looked at the pile and it looked back at me. It was very exciting.
“Who am I?” is a good question. I was born, and in the instant I breathed, I was inside this body. I was changed by the people I was around but I was still a variation on a Me. I was born this lump of clay and I don’t care how much you dig me and sculpt me I will always be the same damn clay.
I made this body my slave, but just because I own it and it does what I say, that doesn’t mean that I can make it do whatever I want.
The day the clay became self aware was a good/bad day. Good because I wasn’t aware I wasn’t aware and it’s good to be aware of such thuses and hences. Bad because I was thus aware I wasn’t aware and so hence I started to think what that meant. What that meant about what I had just done for those years in the past. I wasn’t aware, but I was alive.
Or I wasn’t alive. I was in a natural state of suspension. Suspended the waiting, but before the waiting I wasn’t anything. I am not sure if you can suspend nothingness, but I guess it’s like filling your lungs with outerspace. You filled them with nothingness and then you get back in your spaceship and breath again and you’ve suspended the nothingness and instigated a new oxygen-based phase of your life.
This is all a load of crap and if you are pretending like this is a deep comment on the existence of the soul and its struggle to be seen through the body then you are wrong/right.
Did you see when my lungs were full of emptiness? Did you see when I wanted to make the eyes close and the brain stop? Did you see that expression on my face and I really couldn’t care about the face anyway because I’m a soul not a face. I don’t care about potatoes because I’m a soul not a potato. I don’t care about grass because I’m not a blade and I I guess I don’t have a face if I’m not a body.
What a great day.
I made this body my slave, but just because I own it and it does what I say, that doesn’t mean that I can make it do whatever I want.
The day the clay became self aware was a good/bad day. Good because I wasn’t aware I wasn’t aware and it’s good to be aware of such thuses and hences. Bad because I was thus aware I wasn’t aware and so hence I started to think what that meant. What that meant about what I had just done for those years in the past. I wasn’t aware, but I was alive.
Or I wasn’t alive. I was in a natural state of suspension. Suspended the waiting, but before the waiting I wasn’t anything. I am not sure if you can suspend nothingness, but I guess it’s like filling your lungs with outerspace. You filled them with nothingness and then you get back in your spaceship and breath again and you’ve suspended the nothingness and instigated a new oxygen-based phase of your life.
This is all a load of crap and if you are pretending like this is a deep comment on the existence of the soul and its struggle to be seen through the body then you are wrong/right.
Did you see when my lungs were full of emptiness? Did you see when I wanted to make the eyes close and the brain stop? Did you see that expression on my face and I really couldn’t care about the face anyway because I’m a soul not a face. I don’t care about potatoes because I’m a soul not a potato. I don’t care about grass because I’m not a blade and I I guess I don’t have a face if I’m not a body.
What a great day.
What I Wore on 10-28-2011...
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| (Bronze me, I'm statuesque) |
Cardigan: This is teal button up cardigan was purchased for me by Grandma during the great Express shopping spree of Sept '09. For the record: When Grandma takes me on shopping sprees like that, I am NOT responsible for anything that is purchased. In those situations, I'm the brake and she's the gas. Obviously, I LOVE getting an entire work wardrobe purchased for me, but it's a complicated transaction...
Pegucy Bundcardo and the Haunted Mall - Chapter 2
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| (In this dramatic reenactment, the bed represents the haunted mall and my cat is the pashmina hoarding ghost) |
Chapter Two - Waiting for Pegucy
Thirty-two minutes later, an anxious Joanne Miller paced before the grand entrance to Campbell’s department store awaiting Pegucy’s arrival. Caroline Graham had a clear view of Joanne from where she stood at her jewelery counter. Caroline didn’t know what Joanne was up to, but she could tell she was waiting for someone. Joanne was in her late thirties, though Caroline thought she looked much older wearing those conservative suits and that ever-present string of pearls; this new worried look on Joanne’s face did nothing to help that situation.
What I wore on 10/27/2011...
Cardigan: Macy's, purchased for me this season by my auntie in Vegas. She's always giving me awesome hand-me-downs and taking me to Macy's and White House/Black Market outlets. She's awesome.
Scarf: Case in point! Auntie gave me this scarf! I never know exactly how to wear this scarf, but it's really pretty, so I keep trying. I think Auntie gave it to me in the first place because she had the same problem.
Boot: Hello, Docs! These are my magical, marvolous, crazy/sexy/cool 20-eye side zip Doc Marten boots I got last winter in New Orleans. I love these. I don't care how butch I look in them, when I wear these I feel awesome. Plus, I usually wear them with my black mini skirt and tights, so I try to balance out their clunkiness as much as I can.
Jeggings: Old Navy. Rock Star Jeggings in indigo wash. Wish they were 4 inches longer and wish I had them in black. (Well, I wish the right leg was 4 inches longer... my left leg is about an inch shorter because of my accident... which is why I walk in large circles!)
The Creature in the Trunk - FLASH FICTION 2011 - Round 3
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| (This is a horror story, so pretend my bat is an axe) |
The Creature in the Trunk
When Robin walks she likes looking down at her feet. Most girls assume Robin walks that way because she is painfully shy. Not so. Her extreme shyness probably caused her to look down at her feet in the first place, of course, but her black patent leather school shoes were the real reason it became her standard walking posture. The shiny shoes looked so much prettier than all of her other shoes that they transfixed her. She loved to see how the shoes contrasted against the purple-gray concrete sidewalk and the speckled linoleum floor of the school halls. Sometimes she would even get lost following her own feet.
School uniforms were invented, in part, for students like Robin. Uniforms are meant to make all students look equal, even if they’re not. If the girls at Sacred Heart were to see the hand-me-downs Robin inherited from her older siblings she would be humiliated, but in her uniform she looked just like everyone else. She liked that.
On this day, Robin was walking across the lawn towards the gymnasium admiring how her black shoes clashed against the green grass when she smacked right in to junior class vice president Amber Charles.
“Just the person I was looking for,” Amber said. “I have a job for you.”
***
Val Von Deep... on just blurting out the story I hear in my head.
I made it to the 3rd round in the NYC Midnight flash fiction contest! Woot.For the third round, I got 1,000 words to write a horror story set in a private school, and I had to mention a mouse. I almost gave up on this one. I wrote and then deleted and then rewrote the first 400 words three times, each time with a totally different spin on the story. I almost gave up when I only had eight hours left and was staring at a blank page, but I was still feeling regret for dropping out last year after I got a disappointing score on my 1st round Romance story, so I pushed myself to finish.
And I'm so happy I did! I am not all that concerned with how 'good' or 'bad' my story is- my true victory is that I learned a valuable lesson about my own writing process: I wasn't having trouble writing this story because I lacked ideas. I actually knew exactly what story I wanted to tell. I had that familiar flash I always get when an entire story just POPS into my head all at once. The best way to describe how quickly and completely I get the idea for my stories is by quoting my favorite actor in my favorite movie: "Whoa, I know kung foo!"
Awesome and useful right? The problem is that even though I know exactly what I want to say, when I sit down at the keyboard I get jammed up. It's like 3 people trying to get through the same doorway all at once. All of those ideas pushing to get out of my head and onto the screen paralyse my fingers (sidenote: just found out I can spell paralyse w/o spellcheck!!!) and I just freeze up.
It's the reason I have so many great story ideas that ultimately sit in intro paragraph purgatory.
What I wore today...
I used to be obsessed with Old Navy, but living in Manhattan made me fall out of love real fast. The amount of people who can crowd into a NYC Old Navy is insane. When I shop for my favorite Pakistani-made jeggings, I like to do it in peace! I've spent this summer back home in Cali, and took the time to stop by the clearance rack. Old Navy has the best deals in clearance! I also got a pair of well made jeggings for $8- after tax!!
Color Theory
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When I was in high school, I didn't really understand how to wear more than two colors at once. I'd wear all black, plus one other color that would repeat in my accessories. Then I started to understand that you can wear lots of different colors and patterns (I think I realized that when I was taking an oil painting class my senior year at Hampshire). But wearing lots of clashing patterns has become hip recently, and it takes the fun out of it for me if I know that for all the time I take to choose which plaid cardigan to wear over which polka dot camisole, there are mannequins at Forever21 showing off the same look. That cheapens the style experience for me. I'm a snob like that.
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