I am just not that into purchasing anything else

 

I just tried looking for a pair of new shoes, but it felt like a charade. I could not give less of a f**k. 

Oy Pay

Warning: Do not visit the ASPCA website unless you want those personalized adchoices to forever be sad puppies begging for 60 cents.

Lesson learned.

Well played, Sarah McLachlan.

Randoms of Note

-Today's an espeically good day because my purple Spanx match my cardigan, my bike and my new Nike Lunarglides. No one else knows, but it makes me happy.

-My boyfriend asked me to switch out one of the pics I used here because I was showing too much cleavage- the weird thing is I hadn't even noticed the cleavage... guess it goes to show boys like to notice boobs. You learn something everyday!

- I'm wondering if anyone else always counts the stairs as they take them? I always realize a few flights in that my inner monologue has switched from 'I love the way the color of that ____ matches the color of ___" to "...12, 13, 14, 15" I go up and down 3 flights of stairs 5+ times a day, and pretty much without fail I'll realize I'm counting them again as I ascend/descend the final floor.

Absurd Friday

Piecemeal is for the worms.

Washed Up

Every time I go to the ladies room to wash my hands, the running water makes me have to pee.

Which means I have to wash my hands again when I'm done.

Luckily, I have not yet been sucked in to an infinity loop of hand washing, peeing, hand washing, peeing... although I worry that a Pavlovian thing might overtake me and soon I will be nowhere to be found because I'll be stuck in the ladies room wearing a groove in the floor between the sink and the stall.

Blog about Blog

I woke up feeling so blog today. I hit snooze on my blog blogteen times before I finally got my blog out of blog.

As I was sleepily blogging to the blogroom, I blogged my toe against the blogjam.

"BLOG!!!!" I blogged so loudly that my neighbor blogged on the wall to tell me to shut the blog up.

I guess you could say I woke up on the wrong side of the blog this AM. Oh well. As they say in France: Ce la blog!

Shift + 1

VH1 was originally supposed to be called VH!, but someone forgot to depress shift.

Fact.

Why didn't I think of this:

I, I, I!

Can we all agree that the 'i' in plaid is meaningless?

It's plad.

Team (Teiam) needs it more.


xoxo

Vail

Move over, I.P. Freely and Eaton Beaver

My Russian Spy name?

Ivana Chokabitch.

Best Part about New Orleans Birthdays...

Best Tradition Ever!!!

I you wear a safety pin on your birthday in NOLA, strangers and friends alike will pin money to you! So far, I've made $13 and I've only been out and about for 30 minutes!

Bye, bye, student loans!!!!

HOWARD STERN IS GONNA JUDGE ON AGT!!!!

(Image Credit: Stan Honda/Getty Images)

Best Birthday Gift EVER!

I don't care about America's Got Talent, but I do want the stigma attached to Howard to wash away so I can stop explaining to people who've never listened to him that he's not a perv or anti-woman.

Howard is friends with the LGBT community, pro-choice, and Robin Quivers is a vegan. Yes, he talks about masturbating. So if you're from 1950, you'll probably be offended by his radio show.

Now, what he does/says on Sirus will not be what he does/says on AGT. I mean, do we remember The Osborne MTV show? Sharon Osbourne cursed to high heaven on that show and everyone is cool w/ her hosting AGT and The Talk- and yet some people believe Howard won't be able to control his cursing.

He doesn't have FUCKING tourette's. He's a grown up. You know how, as a grown up, sometimes we curse and sometimes we don't? It's fucking complicated, I know...

PS to people who say 'What does Howard know about talent?!', I have two points: What do Piers Morgan or Sharon O know about talent? (Howie Mandel is a comedian, so I'll assume we all agree he has more 'obvious' talent-judging abilities.) Second point: Half of The Howard Stern Show's cast of characters were just wacky people whom Howard plucked from obscurity because he could tell they were ENTERTAINING.

So in conclusion... yay, Howard!!! Can't wait for the secret to get out that you're not a double-douche bag.

Mazel Tov.

Yes, I broke out my Italian for you, Howard! ;-P

Happy Date I Was Born on to Me!

On this date in 1984, my mom was cut open by Dr. Fleiss (Heidi's dad) at Sedar Sinai Medical Center in Beverly Hills and I was removed from her womb.

I was born at a discount because both of my parents worked at the Hospital, least anyone think I must have been rich 'cause I was born in the 90210.

I weighed 9 lb, 8 oz and I was 21" long.

Cut to 27 years later...  I am now 48" taller and 48" wiser. Not sure what that means, but I said it and I'm the birfday grrl so I choose to throw out my metaphors fast and loose. Deal with it!

Macaroni is Dope

When Yankee Doodle called that feather macaroni, it was his olde thyme way of saying 'That shit is dope!'. 


I think this usage of 'macaroni' should come back into vogue. First reason: Macaroni is actually dope. It'd be different if Yankee Doodle stuck a feather in his cap and called it canned black olives or something equally uncool.

Examples: Macaroni salad is controversial yet much-loved picnic food that is cheap and easy to make. Mac and cheese is hella bomb, obviously. Everyone loves that dish. Plus, I think it goes without saying that glue plus glitter plus macaroni plus paper plate equals the best rainy day arts and crafts project after God's Eyes. God's Eyes are macaroni, dude!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to bake some macaroni into some brownies and spread the new/old phrase to the hippies next door. Hippies will go along whatever you tell them, as long as you contribute to their CSA.  Fair trade. I learned that in college.

Soda Choke

I rarely drink soda, so when I purchased a fountain drink today at lunch I couldn't decide between Sierra Mist and A&W. It had been so long since I had either, and I like them both equally. What happens when I can't decide what soda to pick? Suicide!



Mmm, mmm I drank the hell out of that suicide. It tasted like the 90s! I always made suicides when I was a kid. Not mixing the sodas at the fountain was NOT an option.

Reminds me of that wise discovery my friend Summer made: if you mix the red Slurpy and the blue Slurpy at 7-11, you get grape flavor.

The Pays that Phrase (Absurdist Spoonerism List of Made Up Colloquialisms)

I watched S1E2 of Kitchen Nightmares last night. In this episode the main thorn in Gordon Ramsey's side is a general manager named Martin. Martin and Gordon are both British, so SGR (Sexy Gordon Ramsey) took the opportunity to use some killer English phrases that he never gets to use on American restauranteurs.

The phoreign frase foreign phrase he used that really stuck with me was let's put the cat amongst the pigeons, which is more eloquent than our American slang for that same call to action, let's stir the shit.

Here are some phrases I've made up that I'm hoping you will throw into your own speech:

Pizza! If you find yourself in really awkward situation, just yell pizza real loud and then walk out. Problem solved. You're welcome.

Croutons aka crouton, croutonic, crou-crou This is my PC term for r3t@rd. For example, "I just locked my bike to the fence without realizing I had the chain wrapped around my ankle, so when I tried to walk away, I tripped. I am a crouton."

That's my snake and potatoes! My standard level of cuteness that I apply before going to work. My snake and potatoes include mascara, a skirt, a cardigan, my mirrored Guess watch, and flats. At least one of those items will be teal and/or animal print.

Any phrases you've made up? Any awesome sayings that Americans need to know about? Leave them in the comments!

Great minds...

Great minds... think... um.....

something.... like.. uh.

Great minds think?

No, that's not it. Gimme a minute...

Dear Russia,

Dear Russia,

Hello from America! I have never been to Russia, but I have met people who have. You guys have a lot of vodka and snow, right? In America (lately) we have a lot of Mike's Hard Lemonade and floods. We used to have moonshine and dust storms.

Speaking of moonshine, congratulations on loosing the battle but winning the war space race. There are a lot of Americans who are sad that we no longer send up any astronauts on American launched spacecrafts. I, however, am too young to have any ill feelings towards Russia for outlasting our space program. I'm just glad someone is heading up there to  gather spacestuff and whatsagiggerstardust.

Please note, Russian readers, that those italicized words are made up. But PLEASE feel free to use them. See, Americans are still contributing to global culture after all!

Why Writing Contests Suck My Soul

I didn't make it to the finals. I didn't write the story... my brain did and I just typed it for her. No one believed my story. Weird, because my story wasn't any more fact based (or lack of fact based) than any of the others... I guess readers are reluctant to buy the idea of an alien in a well.

Oh well.




PS today someone told me "you always look nice," and I responded "I am nice!"...

The Freezer, Your Jeans, and My Pantyhose

The freezer is a useful tool for the fashionable. (Ha. I said tool.)

For example, did you know that freezing and then slowly defrosting your pantyhose will make it less likely to run? You can also use your freezer to refresh and de-germ your jeans without having to get them wet.  Here's how to do it: