Salad Porn

 Lucy Dog, you better go to your bed. Salad and I need to... talk.

 Oh, hey Salad. You look nice tonight. Did I tell you that already? Well, it's true.

 So fresh and crunchy. You naughty bitch.

 I see you brought out your red cabbage tonight. Rrrrrear, kinky...

 Would you mind if I just took one little taste?

 Wait, before I do that, it helps if I have something to watch-

 What? Oh. I see. You don't want me to watch anything? You want me to focus on you?

 Hmmm... this is awkward now. Because I'm supposed to be in control here, Salad. You can't tell me what to do.

 Damn it, I can't stay mad at you.

 Let me crack some fresh black pepper all over you to make it up for you. Maybe even give you a little toss, if you ask nicely....

I love you, Salad. Let's do this.

Cue the eyeroll...

Dear Stella Atrois,

You stuck-up prissy little bitch.

I don't care about your ritual.  I don't care that you train bartenders to slice the head off my beer with a letter opener. I just want my beer quick-like so I can get back to (instert bar activity).

Anyway, you're not even slicing off enough; there's way to much head on that beer. I don't want any head. I want as much liquid as possible. I'm paying per the ounce! Per the ounce! And who wants a mouth full of head? (That's not what she said.) Head is frothy nothingness on which I choke. I spit on your head.

This post brought to you by SOPA.

Strawberry, Awake!!!

A wonderful thing happened to me on the way to the Walmart produce section: I passed the cereal asile. It was on this asile that I met my new love...

No it is not a man, nor dog, nor new color. It is STRAWBERRY AWAKE, the Great Value generic version of Special K with Red Berries.

Strawberry Awake! Strawberry... Awake???? So many different ways to say it, only one way to enjoy it: Tremendously!

Yes, I bought a box of Strawberry Awake based purely on the name, but it turned out to be a good investment because not only does this cereal have the best, happy-fun-time-sunshine name it also tastes better than Red Berries.

Now when I wake up, I say to myself "Strawberry, Awake!" and I am suddenly perky, awake, and covered in red glitter and have the super power to make everyone smile ready to get my day started with a bowl of this nonsense.

Macaroni is Dope

When Yankee Doodle called that feather macaroni, it was his olde thyme way of saying 'That shit is dope!'. 


I think this usage of 'macaroni' should come back into vogue. First reason: Macaroni is actually dope. It'd be different if Yankee Doodle stuck a feather in his cap and called it canned black olives or something equally uncool.

Examples: Macaroni salad is controversial yet much-loved picnic food that is cheap and easy to make. Mac and cheese is hella bomb, obviously. Everyone loves that dish. Plus, I think it goes without saying that glue plus glitter plus macaroni plus paper plate equals the best rainy day arts and crafts project after God's Eyes. God's Eyes are macaroni, dude!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to bake some macaroni into some brownies and spread the new/old phrase to the hippies next door. Hippies will go along whatever you tell them, as long as you contribute to their CSA.  Fair trade. I learned that in college.