Pinterest Protest

Dear Ben & the Pinterest Team, 


I would like to start with my main point and then circle back to why my point is correct: In the words of my idol, Gordon Ramsey: You are stuck up prissy little bitches.

I read a lot of blogs about food, crafting, fitness and other such twee bullsh*t. Yes, despite the whole 'my soul is black and I hate everything' vibe I have going, I actually enjoy scrolling through pages and pages of pictures of the lemon blueberry feta bacon scones Kristin from Iowa Girl Eats has baked, and I even go Ben Does Life 'at it'. I think this proves I'm not some stuck up East Coast/West Coast elitist (yes, I'm bi...coastal). I can enjoy a bubblegum website that is all about happiness and sunshine and the finer things in life- not just sites about epic fails and random facts (I'm looking at you, my love.) Many of the blogs I read link to Pinterest, which is how I came to the decision to give your website a try.


This is when I realized that, in the words of many people's idol, George Carlin, Pinterest is bullsh*t and it's bad for you. 


First tip that Pinterest is BS and bad: You can't just sign up. You jerks at Pinterest have decided that to add to your mystique, new users sign up for a 'waiting list'. At first, I believed that there might actually be a need for this- maybe the site is so new they only have one guy in the back responsible for setting up accounts, and his MacBook is powered by a hipster hamster on a recycled PVC-free plastic wheel. 


...and yet less than a day later I get the 'invite' (see above for screen grab). All of the sudden, it became so clear to me: You're the only site I've ever visited that made me wait. How come everyone one else can handle signing new users up in 20 seconds but you have a wait list? Are you the Harvard of sites, and all the others are the community colleges? No. You're just trying to seem special and make me feel like I've joined an elite society of housewives, Farmer wives, knitting spinsters, and GOOP-ologists. Well, gee. Thanks, but no fu*king thanks. 


To make it worse, you've included a set of rules with my invite. RULES. Not a user agreement, not a 'click here to agree and join' button, RULES like you are the camp counselor at my troubled youth center. Well, I'm not listening, GINA!!!!! You're not my mom!!!!!! 


Here are the rules, listed from least annoying to most annoying:

Nice!

"Nice! We came up with a stupid name for our knockoff generic brand and now we can head to the bar early tonight!" - Walgreens Branding Team

Cue the eyeroll...

Dear Stella Atrois,

You stuck-up prissy little bitch.

I don't care about your ritual.  I don't care that you train bartenders to slice the head off my beer with a letter opener. I just want my beer quick-like so I can get back to (instert bar activity).

Anyway, you're not even slicing off enough; there's way to much head on that beer. I don't want any head. I want as much liquid as possible. I'm paying per the ounce! Per the ounce! And who wants a mouth full of head? (That's not what she said.) Head is frothy nothingness on which I choke. I spit on your head.

This post brought to you by SOPA.

Fire Soccer? Go on...

So I guess fire soccer is a known thing... or at least I googled it and Google didn't reply with a What the eff are you typing now, bitch? side-eye, so it must be a known thing...

Fire soccer! Run! Aye-yi-yi!!!!!

That said- HAHAHA fire soccer. Stupid feet gone catch a'blaze!

I'm picturing- well you know what I'm picturing....

So what does 'fire' have to do with 'soccer'? I'm guessing it's a league level- like little league, big league, medium league (I'm a sports fan obviously)... but fire league? Is that like the league for people who don't give a shit about what happens to their toes? Or flamers? Or people who think they're hot shit?

"See man, I'm on a fire soccer team. No there isn't any actual fire involved, but dude- the attitude involved- man the attitude involved IS fire. Seacrest out!"

Charged for Men, ready for anything!

(Photo sent to me by hippie, I claim no ownership
of those American Spirits...) 

Are you tired, run down, impudent? Are you unpoopular with the ladies?

Well has Whole Foods got some snake oil for you!

But seriously, Whole Paycheck Foods, isn't this a bit greedy? You already sell overpriced produce, bread, meat, dairy, tempeh, etc etc etc. Wasn't that enough?

No, it wasn't. Of course it wasn't. Your CEO is kind of evil, isn't he? Something about health care? Yeah. How silly of me to attempt to have any respect for you, Whore Foods.

To be fair, while I don't buy into the whole organic thing, necessarily (everything I need to know about organic food I learned from an episode of Penn&Teller's Bullshit), at the very least, I couldn't fault you for selling food. People need food, and if they're willing to convince themselves that eating celery grown in cow shit is better than eating celery grown in man-made fertilizers then FINE. Be like that.

But when you start selling croutonic shit like Charged for Men under your own name? And on top of that, specifically label it Vegetarian because your shoppers lean that way? Holy shipwreck that is fucked up. Look, let me spell it out for you: Hippies love DREAMING.

Examples of hippy thoughts: Wouldn't it be great if... love were free, we could hitch hike to Maine this summer, this pill gave me the ability to pop one in my shorts again.

Hole Foods, you've taken advantage of the hippies's's's ability to dream. How dare you. That's all they have (besides a trust fund, most likely)!

Wouldn't it be great if there were an over the counter pill available at my local health store that boosted my sex drive, supported healthy sexual functions (AKA boners), and revitalized my performance?

YES it would be great. But in what reality would RX giants like Pfizer let Whole Poots scoop them on a sex pill? If this pill really did anything, a pharmaceutical company would already have lobbied a congress(wo)man to make it available by prescription only.  That's what makes America so great.

AND THAT'S why this really boils my blood, Whole Foots. Because on top of selling fake-ass health food for too much money, you're now also selling fake medication.

Oh, what's that? There's homeopathic evidence to the contrary? It does work?! You all have boners right now?! Well holy shit, Whole Phoods... just don't tell anyone okay? Confirm again for me that you sell an over the counter dick pill that actually leaves men CHARGED, and then reconfirm that you're selling it in a supermarket. Yeah? Yeah? Go on...

I'm just saying: If I found a way to actually improve a man's performance in bed I wouldn't just quietly sell it in the market between the daily vitamins and baby aspirin. Just saying.

Come again? Muscle what now? Workout huh?

Dear Buckeye,

I am writing you today about one of your many products. Specifically, I would like to discuss Workout, The Muscle Cleaner...

First question: What the fuck is it?

Based off the name of the product I would guess that I am supposed to wipe down my rock-hard abs with this product after a muscle-ripping crunch session. If this bottle were sitting next to the hairspray and aerosol deodorant in the ladies locker room, I would think, "huh, I had no idea my muscles needed any further cleaning besides my Oil of Olay bodywash with Jojoba extract and chia seeds for exfoliation. I wonder if this cleaner aids in muscle repair? What is the protein content?"

At this point, I would likely start to spray down my abs (rock hard, remember), my quads and gluts, and the rest of my rippling, strong, totally in existence muscles. But as I start to spray my arms and shoulders with Workout, I get a whiff of something strange- smells like cleaning products... what's in this anyway? Where are the ingredients- HOLY SHIT THIS IS BATHROOM CLEANER!

Which brings me to my next question, Buckeye: Why the fuck did you name a bathroom cleaner Workout, The Muscle Cleaner? Was Mouthwash, The Tooth Cleaner taken?

I suppose I understand what you were attempting to do here. You were trying to say that this cleaner HAS muscle. Like, it's fucking strong as shit and will make mildew its prison yard bitch.

I am not sure if you're aware of this, but brains and brawn don't always go hand-in-muscular-hand. Many muscle heads walk this Earth with only one thought in their skulls: What can I do to make my muscles more muscle-y? For those individuals, your product is going to be very confusing. In fact, speaking as someone with beauty, brains, and brawn, I can admit that even I was confused about what I was expected to do with this product. If it hadn't been discovered in the office bathroom instead of the locker room, I might have sprayed a little bit on my dirty muscles, hoping that your product would give my flesh that squeaky clean feeling I never knew I wanted.

Please take note of my complaint, Buckeye. In the future, please don't label your products as _____ cleaners unless they actually clean _____. Otherwise, it's ____ing confusing!!!

And if you feel like it, please send me some coupons for Workout: The Muscle Cleaner because obviously, it's the best.

Thank you for reading,

Val, Esq

Dear Diary, Salty and Sour

I just noticed how sad my container of salt is. I mean, just look at how this company has decided to portray it's product.

First of all, they've decided to go with a picture of salt being spilled all over the table. Right off the bat, they've depicted salt failing at one of it's two jobs- staying in its shaker (its other job is to make things salty). What pops in to your head when you think of spilt salt? Having to throw some over your shoulder for fear of bad luck? Is this ad making you think something horrible might happen?! Or maybe you think about the annoying, lingering granules that stick to your forearm long after the initial spill has been cleaned up? Who doesn't hate when that happens?!

Maybe it makes you think about all the spilled, wasted salt in this world. How there are 1 billion starving people, and this company has the nerve to spill salt willy-nilly for glamour shots. AND, just to rub salt in the wound, they've also pointed out that their product is FREE FLOWING. 'Yeah, so go ahead and starve, Africa! Us salt spillers are doing just fine and we don't care about you!' That's basically what this salt is saying to you. I think I know what you're thinking... how dare they? (Am I right  that that was what you were thinking about? I have a knack for that.)

Final point on why this is the wimpiest packaging ever: This salt supplies iodide, a necessary nutrient.

Look dude, we don't care about why there's iodide in the salt. You had us at 'salt', we didn't need to know anything else. You just seem desperate. It's sad. I mean, it's not 1925. Iodized salt is not a new thing anymore. We all know that unless otherwise stated there's muthafracking iodide in our salt because it's good for us and our brians and stuffs. Case in point: Doritos doesn't put a label on the front reading 'this chip supplies cheese powder, a necessary nutrient in getting fat'. It's Doritos. It's implied.

In conclusion, I'd like to say to whoever designed this packaging, you should really take a look at yourself. In what ways are you not living up to you own ideal? I think that something in your own life is holding your work back. Why is this salt failing, even when it is being glamourized? Why is it so cheap, so willing to flow freely? Why is it pushing so hard for us to need it? Do you hate your mother?

Sincerly,

Val