Pinterest Protest

Dear Ben & the Pinterest Team, 


I would like to start with my main point and then circle back to why my point is correct: In the words of my idol, Gordon Ramsey: You are stuck up prissy little bitches.

I read a lot of blogs about food, crafting, fitness and other such twee bullsh*t. Yes, despite the whole 'my soul is black and I hate everything' vibe I have going, I actually enjoy scrolling through pages and pages of pictures of the lemon blueberry feta bacon scones Kristin from Iowa Girl Eats has baked, and I even go Ben Does Life 'at it'. I think this proves I'm not some stuck up East Coast/West Coast elitist (yes, I'm bi...coastal). I can enjoy a bubblegum website that is all about happiness and sunshine and the finer things in life- not just sites about epic fails and random facts (I'm looking at you, my love.) Many of the blogs I read link to Pinterest, which is how I came to the decision to give your website a try.


This is when I realized that, in the words of many people's idol, George Carlin, Pinterest is bullsh*t and it's bad for you. 


First tip that Pinterest is BS and bad: You can't just sign up. You jerks at Pinterest have decided that to add to your mystique, new users sign up for a 'waiting list'. At first, I believed that there might actually be a need for this- maybe the site is so new they only have one guy in the back responsible for setting up accounts, and his MacBook is powered by a hipster hamster on a recycled PVC-free plastic wheel. 


...and yet less than a day later I get the 'invite' (see above for screen grab). All of the sudden, it became so clear to me: You're the only site I've ever visited that made me wait. How come everyone one else can handle signing new users up in 20 seconds but you have a wait list? Are you the Harvard of sites, and all the others are the community colleges? No. You're just trying to seem special and make me feel like I've joined an elite society of housewives, Farmer wives, knitting spinsters, and GOOP-ologists. Well, gee. Thanks, but no fu*king thanks. 


To make it worse, you've included a set of rules with my invite. RULES. Not a user agreement, not a 'click here to agree and join' button, RULES like you are the camp counselor at my troubled youth center. Well, I'm not listening, GINA!!!!! You're not my mom!!!!!! 


Here are the rules, listed from least annoying to most annoying:



Give credit- Fine. I can give credit. I don't have a problem with this. Sniping is part of blogging, and I think linking back to where I/you snipe from is fine and dandy. Page views save lives. 


Be Creative- Fu*k you. Fu*k you. Fu*k you. I hate you so much for that one. Be creative?! Please, can you guys also remind me to be funny, be witty, be smart. I was going to just pin the same pic of Marilyn Monroe standing over the subway grate over and over for the next ten years. Can you give me examples of what creative is? Oh you can? You did? In the email? Oh, I see: you say being creative is pinning stuff to my board that mixes 'products, art, receipes and images from all across the web'... got it. Be creative by doing exactly as you say. ummmmmm.... yes, master. Seems to me you're just trying to make me link to a bunch of different sources to increase traffic to your site. Amiright,ben&thepinterestteam?yesiam.


Be Nice- Fu*k you, please and thank you... what? I said please and thanks! OMJesus! But yeah... about that. Why are you excluding the meanies like me from your site? Why can't I pin a picture of a cake to my board and write "This cake is bullsh*t"? You still get the clicks, Ben & the Pinterest team. YOU STILL GET THE CLICKS. Besides, if your site is mostly about food, fashion, and design... how mean can people get? Were people actually writing stuff like "this cake is bullsh*t" and "knitting hats like this is for pussies!"? Was it a problem that needed fixing? Or are you just trying to add to your aesthetics? 


In conclusion: I have to wait to gain membership to your stupid site, and then once I'm 'in', I have to be nice... and don't forget CREATIVE! BE CREATIVE! DO WHAT WE SAY! Gee, that sounds great. Any way I could also pay to be a member? That would make me feel reeeeeaaaaalllly special and better than all those non-creative meanies out there! 


(That was sarcastic. I will never pin a GD thing to my board now. Eat it, Ben & the Pinterest team!)


Val on.